White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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