are you still at the devil's house?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
