I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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