he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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