I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
