and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
