I think my vagina is haunted
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
