woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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