also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If I die, sorry about rent.
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