we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
