And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
