she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
