They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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