Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
