the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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