I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Did I show you my penis last night?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
