no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
