I haven't been this sober since birth.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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