WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
