My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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