i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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