He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
