New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
