dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
