I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
