You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
