His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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