You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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