She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
