mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
