I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
