God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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