I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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