the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
