i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
