we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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