MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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