I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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