I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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