i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
it hurts more in the daytime
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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