It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
