3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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