Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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