no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
