We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
