I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
