There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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