Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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