I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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