Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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