gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
