Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
