I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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