Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize