Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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