sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
