sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
